In leu of tomorrow’s part 1 of the BDD and shame research study, I’m talking Shame and BDD.
Shame has been my constant sidekick for thirty years.
Before I met my husband, I kept my facial obsessions secret, considering my rituals and mirror gazing habits as one of the seven deadly sins: VANITY — which is why I called it my Vanity Curse.
As I prepare for the meeting, I recognise that shame manifests in ways I hadn’t fully appreciated. Of course, I feel shame about spending two days staring at the mirror or cancelling plans because I got stuck checking my face, but it’s more complex than that.
Shame pervades every aspect of my appearance and in contradictory ways, making it challenging to communicate. I’m ashamed of being feminine, yet also ashamed of not being feminine enough. My attractiveness compounds the shame: too much, too little, not the right kind. Makeup, in particular, has become a source of that shame, tied to my fear of looking ‘slutty,’.
The greatest shame I feel about my BDD is that it seems like a superficial problem. What right do I have to dwell on any of this?
Shame has become internal, it’s not even about what others think of feel about my appearance because that would mean shame disappears when I’m alone — it doesn’t. I can’t bear the thought of waking up without makeup on my face, even when alone, so I do makeup before bed. I wear makeup 23.45 hours of the day so I don’t ever have to see my naked face. And, of course, it’s not my face, my face is a thing called “it”.
I could go on, but I will cover shame and BDD in a series of posts because it’s a massive topic, too big for today.
Nerves are heavy in anticipation for this event, although I am looking forward to it.
If you’d like to get involved in these studies, follow the links below:
BDD and shame
BDD and romantic relationships
Male participants
Healthcare professionals
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