Shame and BDD Study – Call Two

Today I participated in part 2 of the BDD and shame research study conducted by University College London (UCL).

This meeting represents several significant milestones in my recovery.

1. Six years ago, speaking in a virtual meeting was inconceivable.
2. Today is the first time I’ve shared core aspects of my experience, beyond conversations with my husband and brief mentions during my 2019 diagnosis.

In the run-up to the event, nerves pummelled me. My anxiety peaked five minutes before the call, racing heart, dry mouth, and then shame reared her distorted head. Bogey Maid hissed in my ear, “Nobody wants to hear about your obsessions,” “Your stories are too specific; how can they help anyone?” “You’re going to sound like a right idiot and forget everything you want to say.”

When the screen flashed “recording in progress,” I became acutely aware, my mind a harsh magnifying glass of self-judgement. Yet, this self-criticism could only exist intangibly because I had blocked all external stimulation, covering my screen with an extra-sticky pink Post-It note.

Still, Bogey Maid was right — my mind emptied and I forgot everything I had scripted, so I ended up improvising instead, which turned out to be far better. It took only moments to settle into the meeting, and before I knew it, we had overrun by 25 minutes.

And that’s it for my part in the shame study. However, my shame over participating isn’t quite over, as Bogey Maid is now whispering taunts about my performance. We’ll work it out on paper later.

If you’d like to get involved in these studies, follow the links below:

BDD and shame
BDD and romantic relationships
Male participants
Healthcare professionals

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